There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
