I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
