Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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