I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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