Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
