I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
