so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
