there's paper in my vomit.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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