If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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