Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
