I am puke
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
