I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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