Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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