And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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