my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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