his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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