and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And then my night got REAL pukey
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
