don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
