hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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