the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
