i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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