I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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