dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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