you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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