i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Text me some of your sweat
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
