The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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