im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
