i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
