I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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