Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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