I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
