Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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