Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
