wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
