i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
