Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
