Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
