What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
