Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
