Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
