Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
