do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
