Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
