erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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