I hate all girls vehemently.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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