Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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