So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
