Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
