I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
