I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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